我把父亲的骨灰撒在恒河

也许是因为当今社会变化太快，父子之间的隔阂似乎比过去更大了。当爹的觉得自己的娃不懂事、不守规矩、叛逆，而娃则认为自己的爹守旧、老套，与现实脱节。父子之间常常有一堵无形的、厚重的墙。有的时候，双方都努力了，但情况似乎未能有所好转。本文作者在过了不惑之年，与父亲阴阳相隔之后才对父亲的精神世界有了一点了解。在父亲节到来之际，这篇文章也许能让我们深思：也许领带、手机这些礼物，并不是父亲想要的。

Host： Most of us try not to think about death too often， at least if we don’t have to， but American surgeon and writer Atul Gawande has given a lot of thought to the matter. Gawande talks about seeing his own father， Ram Gawande， struggle with cancer. His father was a surgeon too， and he grew up in a farming village in rural India. Ram and his wife， also a doctor from India， raised their family in Athens， Ohio.

One day several years ago， Ram’s fingers began to go numb. An 1）MRI showed a massive tumor growing into his spinal cord. Eventually， Atul and his parents had to sit down and talk about the reality that Ram’s life was ending.

Atul： He cried， and my Mom cried， and I cried， and we talked. And those are hard conversations， talking to people about death. And he told us that he did not want a situation where， if you’re a 2）quadriplegic， you could end up on a 3）ventilator， needing total care. You know， he said， “Let me die if that should happen.” He underwent surgery for the tumor， which helped him for a while. You know， for a while.

On the last day my mother was drinking tea， reading the Athens Messenger， and my sister was working on her computer， and his breathing stopped. Then there was one beat， and then another， and then another. Each time， after about 30 seconds， you’d think， well this might be the moment that he’s gonna breathe again， you thought. But then a minute passed， and he didn’t， and I turned to my mother and my sister and I said， “I think…I think this was it.” And it was.

My dad wanted to be 4）cremated in the traditional Indian way， and he wanted his ashes spread in three places in the world： in our home town of Athens， Ohio， in his village， and then on the 5）Ganges River. And there’s this idea that if the ashes of your loved one are spread on the Ganges， that they’re freed from the cycle of birth and rebirth. They ascend to what’s called “Moksha，” which is 6）Nirvana. So we took him.

We took his ashes； my sister and my mother and I， to the ancient city of Varanasi， on the banks of the Ganges. And it was an amazing thing， it’s a funny thing. My parents tried very hard to raise me as a traditional Hindu in rural Ohio， and that didn’t work so well. But there was something about the ritual of the same thing that families have been going through for thousands of years. You could almost feel the links of the hands across the generations. And what I felt on the Ganges was that he had brought us there and connected himself to all that was important to him， but he was connecting us to it as well. And that’s part of what makes dying tolerable. That’s what makes being a mortal creature tolerable.

主持人：我们大多数人总会避免思考死亡这个问题，至少在我们没有必要这么做的时候是这样。但是美国外科医生兼作家阿图尔・葛文德却对死亡作了很多思考。葛文德向我们讲述了亲眼看着父亲拉姆・葛文德与癌症抗争的经历。他的父亲也是一位外科医生，在印度农村的一个村子里长大。拉姆的妻子也是来自印度的一名医生。他们一起在俄亥俄州的阿森斯市建立了家庭。

几年前的一天，拉姆的手指开始出现症状。核磁共振成像检查结果显示，一个巨大的肿瘤侵入了他的脊髓。最后，阿图尔和他的父母不得不坐下来，讨论拉姆的生命即将走到终点这个事实。

阿图尔：父亲哭了，母亲哭了，我也哭了。我们一边哭一边谈。跟别人谈论死亡从来都是一件很难的事。一个人如果四肢瘫痪，也许就只能靠呼吸机维持生命，一切都需要由别人照顾了。父亲说他不想陷入那种境地。你知道吗，他说：“如果我变成那样，就直接让我死了吧。”后来，他接受了肿瘤切除手术，这为他多争取了一点时间。你知道，只不过是多了一点点时间罢了。

父亲去世的那天，我母亲边喝茶边看《阿森斯信使报》，我姐坐在电脑前。就在那时，他的呼吸停止了。但过了一会儿，他心跳了一下，然后又一下，再一下。每一次心跳后，你会想，这一刻他就会恢复呼吸。你暗暗地这么想。这种情况持续了三十秒左右。但是一分钟过去了，他并没有再次呼吸。我转向母亲和姐姐说：“我觉得……我觉得结束了。”确实是结束了。

父亲希望自己的遗体按照印度的传统方式火化，他希望骨灰能撒在三个地方――家乡俄亥俄州的阿森斯市、他出生的村庄以及恒河。人们相信这样一种说法：如果将你所爱之人的骨灰撒在恒河里，他们就可以从转世轮回中得到解脱，到达一个叫“莫卡萨”的极乐世界。于是我们带着他的骨灰去了。

我和姐姐、母亲带着父亲的骨灰到了恒河河畔的古城瓦拉纳西。这件事很奇妙，也很有意思。在美国俄亥俄州的乡下，父母曾竭力将我培养成传统的印度人，但是他们没有成功。而这个几千年来无数家庭一直在进行的相同的宗教仪式却非同寻常，你几乎可以感受到一代代人手牵着手连成的传承之桥。在恒河岸边，我明白了，父亲将我们带到那里是为了让自己与他所珍视的一切联系在一起，但此举也让我们与他的精神世界相通了。正是这一点让死亡变得可以承受，也让人终有一死的事实变得可以承受。

Varanasi 瓦拉纳西

享有“印度之光”称号的瓦拉纳西是印度北方邦城市，位于恒河河畔，被认为是印度最古老和最神圣的城市，是印度教一座声名远扬的圣城。该市现有人口100万，有各式庙宇1500座以上，它已成为印度教、佛教、耆那教的重要圣地。

恒河是印度的母亲河，它最神圣的一段流经瓦拉纳西。印度教徒深信恒河圣水能治愈身上的病痛，洗脱一生犯下的罪孽；他们还相信，人死后骨灰撒入河里，能让灵魂修成正果，从此超生。无数印度教徒千里迢迢来到瓦拉纳西沐浴与火化。