谁为信任买单

One cold day last November， Amy and I came home from work to a sickish young daughter and started to toy with1） just staying in for the night. Problem was， we had these tickets to see Miranda July， the performance artist， being interviewed by someone over at the Herbst Theater. Two tickets， $50 sunk into the situation. We hemmed and hawed2）， and finally I put a last-minute ad on Craigslist3）. It was 7， and the event started at 8. No way. But five minutes later I had an e-mail from a guy named Joe. I picked up the phone.

Joe was friendly and game4）， and there was a happy urgency to the call： “Will this work？” “It will！ Give my name at will call5）！” The universe was an awfully likable place.

“Wait， should we figure out a PayPal6） payment？” Joe asked.

“No time！” I said. “Just get to the theater. You can pop7） a check in the mail tomorrow.”

Joe seemed touched by this microscopic dollop of faith in the species. We said a fond goodbye； Amy and I informed our daughter she wouldn’t be going to her cousin’s that night； and the three of us sank into a happily quiet evening. Before bed I e-mailed Joe my mailing address and asked that he report back one interesting observation from the event. Sort of cutesy8）， I guess， or overcooked anyway， but whatever. Elsewhere on the planet India and Pakistan were squabbling， the fluoride9） people and anti-fluoride people were squabbling. But on a chilly fall evening two strangers could still connect briefly before a Miranda July thing.

Naturally， you saw where this was going several sentences ago.

Where this is going is Tahiti10）， where a month later Joe was presumably eating lobster-stuffed filet mignon11） atop golden sheets， all financed， laughingly， with the $50 he hadn’t sent me.

I didn’t care about the money. I cared about the abuse of this rare bit of fellowship. Hadn’t we carved out a morsel12） of old-fashioned San Francisco grooviness13）， at a time when the city seems to be pivoting into something less wild14）？ I wanted to believe we could still get down to naked trust for a night， take our hands off the PayPal handlebars.

A few more weeks passed. Another month. There’d been one e-mail promising to mail the check， then silence.

Maybe this is catching him at a hard time， I thought. But truth was， Joe seemed to be having a pretty normal time. With his ample tweeting and active Facebooking―well over 1，000 friends！―he allowed for robust15） stalking. There he was on a sailboat. On a golf course. With some bros. Dancing goofily. Doing his handsome face. Doing some artsy stuff. He looked like someone you’d gone to camp with. Apparently he works for some progressive-sounding start-up， the kind whose Web site speaks of community and so forth.

I gathered its version of community left no time for replying to e-mails. Or texts. Or voice mail messages. Pathetically16） I tried reaching him with Amy’s phone one night， thinking the foreignness of the number might lure him out of his hidey hole. Sure enough， he texted right back， playfully wondering who might be writing him. Devious， I didn’t say， but he must have guessed， because he didn’t pick up when I called.

I really am regular， much of the time. Wife， daughter， friends， cats， magazine subscriptions， rock band， a hanging plant in the kitchen window. Certainly I didn’t think about Joe all that often. But when the topic did swing back into view， something about it put me on edge.

One night in bed I talked with my wife， “I just want to understand what he’s thinking.”

“Who？”

“The guy. The Miranda July guy.”

“I don’t know. Good night honey.”

“But what do you think he’s thinking？”

“Um， he’s thinking ‘Why should I pay this guy？ I got away with it.’”

“No way. People don’t really think that. Like17）， 1 percent of people think that. He must have a reason that makes sense in his head.”

“You should go to his office，” Amy said. “He’d have to give you the money if everyone was watching.”

“Yeah！”

No. The thing was， I didn’t want to become a debt collector， didn’t want to go full cretin18） to get my silly little money. My efforts to reach Joe over these months had been light and I wanted to keep it that way. “Drop a dime19） on him，” my tough-guy dad always says in situations requiring forced virtue. But my initial exchange with Joe had been above dime-dropping. Just two regular people agreeing to handle things humanly. There was a rare niceness in that， and I still wanted to keep that balloon in the air， however deluded20） it was starting to look.

One morning， before dawn， our cat woke us up with his meowing. I can’t describe what a neck-wringingly horrible creature he is in these moments. It’s not hunger meowing， Amy and I have learned. He meows out of righteousness； he’s due this food and he will get it， whether he needs it or not. As I drearily scooped breakfast for my mindlessly principled pet， perspective at last descended on me： There are flaws in being like one’s cat.

Fifty dollars was nothing. What was not nothing was my own raft21） of debts. If I was honest， I owed letters to loved ones. I owed my daughter greater patience when she aborted her nap. I owed my family regular cardiovascular22） exercise. I owed volunteer hours at the S.P.C.A.23） like I promised two New Year’s resolutions ago. I owed that friendly new pediatric dentist the glowing Yelp review I swore I’d write. I did not owe anyone money. I owed worse than money.

People don’t change overnight， or ever. But people can find a nice-looking family next time they’re at Safeway24） and pick up their grocery tab in a quick， partly awkward and largely pleasant exchange. So that’s what I did. The $50 Joe would’ve given me， I decided to just pass it along to someone else. I did so not out of virtue， which I lack， but out of a mostly selfish wish to get back that sense of a likable universe on a cold day. It seemed better than continuing to aim my pique25） at some poor stranger who， as we round Month 9， might well be scraping that money together. If so， I hope he buys himself something nice.

去年11月一个寒冷的日子，我和艾米下班回家，回到生病的女儿身边，开始漫不经心地考虑是否当晚就待在家里不出去了。但问题是，我们有前往赫伯斯特剧院观看行为艺术家米兰达・朱莱接受现场访谈的入场券。两张票，50美元，就这样陷入了两难境地。我和妻子犹豫不决，迟迟未作决定，直到最后一刻，我才在Craigslist网站上了一条广告。当时是7点，访谈将在8点钟开始。来不及了。不过，刚过五分钟，我就收到了一个名叫乔的人发来的电子邮件。我给他打了电话。

乔友好且有冒险精神，接电话时既兴奋又急切：“这样行吗？”“行！在订票窗口报我的名字就行！”这真是个无比美好的世界。

“等等，咱们是不是应该用PayPal付款？”乔问我。

“没时间了！”我说，“先去剧院，你可以明天再把支票寄给我。”

乔似乎被人与人之间这一点微小的信任打动了。我们愉快地互道再见。艾米和我告诉女儿那天晚上她用不着去亲戚家了，我们一家三口度过了一个安静愉快的夜晚。临睡前，我给乔写了封电子邮件，告诉他我的联系地址，并请他在回信时给我讲一件有趣的现场见闻。我想，这有点做作，多少有些过火，不过无所谓。在这个星球的其他地方，印度和巴基斯坦冲突不断，支持和反对在自来水中加氟的人们争论不休。但是在一个寒冷的秋日夜晚，在米兰达・朱莱的访谈开始前，两个陌生人仍然可以短暂地交谈。

自然，你肯定早就看出这件事情将如何发展了。

事情的发展就是，一个月后，在塔希提岛上，乔可能正在金色的床单上享用填有龙虾馅的菲力牛排，而好笑的是，用来付账的正是他欠我不还的那50美元。

我在乎的不是钱。我在乎的是他辜负了这份难得的交情。在这座城市似乎正变得循规蹈矩的时代，我们不就展现出了一分旧金山昔日令人激动的作派吗？我愿意相信，就一个晚上而言，我们仍然可以完全信任彼此，把PayPal暂且放在一旁。

又过了几个星期。又一个月过去了。曾经有一封电子邮件信誓旦旦地说会寄支票来，然后就没有下文了。

我想，也许刚好赶上他这一阵日子不好过。但事实上，乔的生活似乎颇为正常。他发大量推文，在Facebook上很活跃――他的好友有一千多个！――他这么做使得别人可以随意窥探他的生活。他去乘帆船了。去打高尔夫了。和哥们儿在一起。跳着滑稽的舞步。饬他那张帅气的脸。做些附庸风雅的事。他看上去就像某个曾和你一起露营的人。他显然在某家听起来稳步发展的初创企业工作，这类公司的网站上总是谈及人际交往和诸如此类的话。

我猜他们所谓的人际交往使他无暇回复电子邮件、短信或语音邮件。可悲的是，有一晚我曾试着用艾米的电话联系他，心想或许陌生的号码能把他从藏身之处引出来。果然，他立刻回了短信，用活泼的口吻问是谁给他发的信息。我留了一手，没说我是谁，但他一定猜到了，因为他没接我打过去的电话。

多数时候，我的生活一如往常。妻子、女儿、朋友、猫、订阅的杂志、摇滚乐队、厨房窗口那株悬垂植物。我当然并不总是想着乔的事。但是一旦想起此事，总有些什么令我烦恼不已。

一天晚上上床后，我对妻子说：“我就是想知道他是怎么想的。”

“谁？”

“就是那个人，那个看米兰达・朱莱采访的那个人。”

“我不知道。晚安，亲爱的。”

“可你觉得他是怎么想的？”

“嗯，他想的是‘吗给他钱？不给也不能把我怎么着’。”

“不可能。不会有人真的那么想。好吧，有1%的人会那么想。他肯定有什么自认为合理的理由。”

“你应该去他上班的地方找他，”艾米说，“众目睽睽之下，他就不得不把钱给你了。”

“是啊！”

不。关键是，我不想变成个讨债的，不想为了要回那么点儿小钱而让自己变成十足的傻瓜。这几个月来，我并没有十分急切地试图联系乔，我希望保持这种状态。碰到这种需要被迫行善的情况，我的硬汉老爹总会说：“找警察收拾他。”可是我与乔最初的交流不应该发展到报警的地步。只不过是两个普通人达成一致去像常人该做的那样办一件事而已。这其中有一种可贵的友善，我仍然想保持这份幻想，尽管它开始显得让人失望。

一天早晨，天还没亮，我们养的那只猫就喵喵叫着把我们吵醒了。这种时候，我都无法形容它有多可恶，简直想让人把它的脖子拧断。我和艾米都知道，那不是肚子饿时的叫声。它叫是因为它自认为理直气壮。到了吃食时间它就得吃，无论需不需要。就在我闷闷不乐地给这只盲目坚持原则的宠物盛早餐的时候，终于在突然间有所领悟：像宠物猫那样做事是有问题的。

50美元微不足道。我真正应该在意的是自己欠下的那许多债。我如果诚实守信，就应该给我爱的人们写信。当女儿该睡不睡时，我应该更有耐心。我应该带家人定期参加有氧运动。我应该像两年前许下的新年愿望那样抽时间去防止虐待动物协会当志愿者。我应该遵守承诺，在Yelp网站上为那个新来的友善的儿科牙医写一篇热情洋溢的好评。我不欠任何人钱。我未能兑现的事情比欠钱更糟糕。

人不会一夜之间就发生转变，也许永远也不会改变。但是，人们下次去西夫韦超市时，可以找出样子和善的一家人，在略显别扭但总体愉快的短暂交谈中，替他们结账。我就是这样做的。我决定把乔本该归还的那50美元传递下去。我这样做不是出于美德――我没那么高尚――而主要是出于一个自私的愿望，希望在寒日里找回那种觉得世界美好的感觉。这似乎比继续为一个可怜的陌生人生气要好，事情已经过去了将近九个月，他很可能仍在东拼西凑地借钱。如果是这样，希望他给自己买点好东西。

1. toy with：不太认真地考虑

2. hem and haw：（长时间）犹豫不决

3. Craigslist：一个免费的大型分类广告网站，1995年在美国加利福尼亚州创立。

4. game [e?m] adj. 愿意尝试（新鲜或不平常事物）的；有冒险精神的

5. will call：（大商店的）预定售货部

6. Paypal：因特网第三方支付服务商，总部设在美国加利福尼亚州，允许在使用电子邮件来标识身份的用户之间转移资金，避免了传统的邮寄支票或者汇款的方式。

7. pop [p?p] vt. 迅速地拿；快速地放

8. cutesy [?kju?tsi] adj. 矫揉造作的，忸怩作态的

9. fluoride [?fl??ra?d] n. 氟化物

10. Tahiti：塔希提岛，位于南太平洋东部，是法属波利尼西亚群岛的经济、文化和政治中心。

11. filet mignon：〈法〉菲力牛排；煎里脊小牛排

12. morsel [?m??（r）s（?）l] n. 少量

13. grooviness [?ru?vin?s] n. 有趣的事物；令人激动的事物

14. wild [wa?ld] adj. 狂热的；令人激动的

15. robust [r???b?st] adj. 粗鲁的；喧闹的

16. pathetically [p??θet?kli] adv. 悲哀地

17. like [la?k] interj.〈美俚〉唷！嘿！

18. cretin [?kret?n] n. ；傻瓜

19. drop a dime：（尤指向警方）告密，通风报信

20. delude [d??lu?d] vt. 使（希望等）破灭；使失望

21. raft [r?ft] n.〈美〉大量

22. cardiovascular [?k?（r）di???v?skj?l?（r）] adj. [解剖]心血管的

23. S.P.C.A：防止虐待动物协会（American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals），非营利组织，致力于制止虐待动物。

24. Safeway：西夫韦连锁超市，美国四大零售业巨头之一

25. pique [pi?k] n. 生气；愠怒