姐姐的完美生活

有一种生活里有家庭，有琐事，有日复一日的平淡。它循规蹈矩，却让人安心。有一种生活里有冒险，有奇遇，有挣脱世俗的洒脱。它色彩斑斓，却难掩漂泊的孤单。前者是姐姐的生活，后者是妹妹的生活，享受其一似乎就意味着放弃另一种可能，二者兼得的“完美生活”存在吗？

“We bought a new house，” my older sister said a few months ago， in one of our rare phone conversations.

“I’m so happy for you，” I said， though I’m sure the octaves1） and intonation were off. “You deserve it.” And she does. My sister has worked tirelessly ever since I can remember. Unlike me， she’s always been responsible， never leaving a job before accepting another， and certainly never leaving a job and then， instead of finding new employment， flying to Southeast Asia and staying for three months.

I apprehensively2） booked a ticket to Los Angeles， paying a little extra so that I could change the reservation， with minimal penalty， if the apprehension became unbearable. When I arrived at my sister’s new home， she was still at work. I was greeted at the door by my 7-year-old niece， Sophie， still recovering from a cold， and the nanny who， I later found out， makes more money than I do.

“Aunt Tobin， come see my room！” said Sophie， grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs to her room， which was bright， clean， organized.

“It’s amazing，” I said with a tinge3） of sadness she’s too young to have noticed.

Sophie continued the tour around the home—not ostentatious4） or a mansion， by any stretch， but big and two stories and beautiful. She took me into my sister’s room， a gigantic spread with a king-size bed and large flat-screen TV hanging above a fireplace. Her bathroom has two sinks， the biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen， marble counter tops， and makeup drawers that slowly， quietly close on their own， like the trunk lids on fancy cars.

Even my sister’s lawn rang of a superior life： The grass out back was magic grass. It’s verdant. It’s crisp but never cold， and soft beneath your feet. Meanwhile， my desiccated5） yard in Marfa6） is filled with burrs7） and gopher8） holes. There are several life-size papier-maché9） horses created by an artist.

“When does Lily get home？” I asked the nanny.

“Not until 7. Lily has school， ballet class and then a play date.” My 4-year-old niece has a fuller calendar than I do， I thought， and then I went in the kitchen to get more Pirate Booty.

My sister and I are very different people. She’s two years older than I am， 6 inches shorter， has much softer features I’ve long envied， and， though the oldest of my parents’ three children， has always exhibited the autonomy of an only child. When we were kids， she was generally undemonstrative. If she was upset about something she kept it to herself. I was， and remain， wildly oversensitive and an over-sharer， both traits I’m sure she finds exasperating10）.

As adults， the communication between my sister and me has been synonymous with miscommunication. When I’m upset and call her for consolation， she either offers unsolicited11） advice that I translate as judgment； suggests that I read Deepak Chopra12）， which I find patronizing； or， says， “If it was meant to be， it was meant to be，” at which point I hang up. But my sister is an incredible mother， who inspires confidence in her girls， tells them she loves them and hugs on them throughout each day， and encourages the type of close sibling relationship that Rachel and I will likely never have.

Meanwhile， I try to be a good aunt in a way that I wasn’t always a great sister.

Saturday was， in my sister’s parlance13）， a “big day.” Lily had two birthday parties to go to and Sophie’s coed14） basketball game started at noon.

“Ref， that was a bad call and you know it！” screamed her coach， possibly the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.

“He’s a Calvin Klein15） model，” explained my sister. Of course he is， I thought. “His kid’s on the team.”

I loved the spectacle of the game， not only because of the coach， but also because I could sit on the front row wildly cheering for my niece. Most of the parents sat on the bleachers responding to what I presume were work-related emails on their iPhones. I’d relinquished16） mine to my youngest niece halfway through the first quarter. She was getting antsy17） so my sister downloaded $10 of applications and handed it over to her 4-year-old. （My app icons now include a pig， an apple， a pretty princess and a smiling flower with petals in primary colors）. This was mostly fine because all of the kids on the court were unbearably cute， Lilliputian18） dribblers19） in Lakers jerseys20）.

“Which one is yours？” said the man beside me. My mood plummeted.

“I’m number 24’s aunt，” I said. Sophie is a Kobe Bryant21） devotee. “But I’m sure I’ll have children， or a child. I’m just doing things later than everyone else，” I continued， trying to justify my existence22） to a stranger. At least he didn’t ask me what I do for a living.

After the game， I opted out of the birthday parties and went home. We ordered takeout Chinese， and afterward， I went to my room and packed for my return flight the next morning. My carry-on felt heavier， weighed down23） by the self-doubt I’d have to sort through when I got home. It’s a tedious process， one that involves revisiting the wild trysts24） and great adventures I would likely not have experienced and the people I’d likely not have met if I’d opted for a more conventional life.

Before I went to bed， I checked my email. I’d been emailing back and forth with a friend who is an uncle. We’ve known each other for 20 years. He lives alone in his modest house with a dog named Brown Dog， stays up late working on a screenplay and reading， and spends his weekends either fixing or riding his motorcycle. He’s more comfortable with being The Uncle than I am being an aunt. I’d been sending him details of my trip throughout my stay.

“Are you jealous of her？” he finally asked. “Do you want all that stuff？” I hated that he asked the question as much as the fact that I really had to think about the answer.

“About some things， yeah，” I finally wrote.

I’m jealous that she’s never been or had to worry about becoming The Aunt. I’m jealous of her family， the dinners and the early morning chaos， and I covet her bathroom， high-tech coffee maker， her endless supply of Pirate’s Booty. But I also understand that my role has given me close friends and adventures—in foreign countries， at local bars—I would not trade， even for luscious25）， rich magic grass.

Still， the jealousy I often feel when I’m around my sister nags at me. It also forces me to think about the things I really want， which is not a new history but a controlled future， one in which I have a substantive income； go to Africa； find and get married to a wonderful and wonderfully strange man； have weird and beautiful children （or at least a child）； and publish a book that people actually buy. But these are great ambitions， at least some of which， realistically， I may not achieve. A more modest， perhaps more attainable goal should be happiness in Austin26）， where I’ll likely stay and buy a house that’s a little more practical than my last one but still has papier-maché horses in the yard.

“我们买了幢新房子。”姐姐几个月前打电话说。这是我们为数不多的通话之一。

“真为你高兴，”我说，虽然我敢肯定，我的声音没有高八度，语调也很平淡，“这是你应得的。”的确是这样，在我记忆里，姐姐一直在不知疲倦地工作。和我不同，她一直很有责任心，从不在没有接受下一份工作的情况下辞职，当然也不可能辞职后不找新工作，而是飞到东南亚小住三个月。

我忐忑不安地预订了一张飞往洛杉矶的机票，支付了一点额外的费用，这样一旦我无法忍受姐姐家带给我的不安，我就能以最少的违约金更改预订。我到姐姐的新家时，她还在上班。七岁的外甥女苏菲和保姆在门口迎接了我。苏菲感冒还没完全康复，而那个保姆，后来我发现，赚的钱比我还多。

“托宾姨妈，快来看我的房间！”苏菲说。她抓着我的手，拉我上楼来到她的房间。房内明亮整洁、井井有条。

“太棒了。”我说。我的话里夹杂了些许悲伤，她还太小，察觉不到。

苏菲继续带着我到处参观。这所房子无论从哪儿看都算不上铺张，也不是豪宅，但很大，有两层，而且很漂亮。苏菲带我来到姐姐的房间，宽敞的卧室里摆着一张特大号的床，壁炉上方挂着一台大屏幕平板电视。姐姐的浴室里有两个水槽，浴缸是我所见过最大的，洗漱台的台面是大理石的，梳妆台的抽屉会缓慢、安静地自动关上，就像豪华汽车的行李箱盖一样。

连姐姐家的草坪都显示出一种更优越的生活：房子后面的草坪青翠繁茂，清爽又不失暖意，踩上去软软的，简直棒极了。而我在马尔法的院子则一派枯竭，里面满是有芒刺的野草和囊地鼠洞。我的院子里还有几匹与实物一样大小的假马，是一位艺术家用混凝纸浆做成的。

“莉莉什么时候回家？”我问保姆。

“要到7点。她要上学校的课、芭蕾课，然后还有一个玩耍约会。”我四岁外甥女的日程安排比我还满，我心想。然后我走进厨房，打算再来点“海盗小吃”。

姐姐和我完全不同。她比我大两岁，矮六英寸，拥有长久以来令我羡慕的许多更柔和的特质。虽然她是父母的三个孩子中最年长的，但却总是表现得像独生子女那样独立自主。我们还是小孩子时，她总体而言就是个含蓄而克制的人。如果她为某事而苦恼，她只会独自承受。而我从小到大一直是个极其敏感的人，而且有过分强烈的分享欲望，我敢肯定这两个特点都让她大为光火。

成年之后，姐姐和我之间的交流基本上就是驴唇对不上马嘴。当我觉得心烦意乱给她打电话寻求安慰时，她要么不请自“给”地提供建议——在我看来就是评头论足；要么建议我去读迪帕克·乔布拉的书，让我觉得她高我一等；要么干脆说：“如果命中注定，也只能如此。”听到这儿，我就会把电话挂了。但姐姐是一位了不起的妈妈，她激发女儿们的自信，诉说对她们的爱，每天给她们拥抱，鼓励她们建立亲密的姐妹关系，而这样的关系我和姐姐蕾切尔可能永远都不会有。

不过，我尽力当一位出色的小姨，虽然我过去不是一个好妹妹。

星期六，用我姐姐的说法，是一个“大日子”。莉莉要参加两个生日派对，苏菲的男女生篮球赛从中午开始。

“裁判，那是黑哨！你知道的！”苏菲的教练尖叫道。他大概是我见过的最英俊的人。

“他是CK的服装模特。”姐姐解释说。理所当然啊，我想。“他的孩子也在球队打球。”

我喜欢看这场精彩的比赛，不仅是因为那个教练，也因为我能够坐在第一排疯狂地为外甥女加油欢呼。大部分家长坐在露天看台上，摆弄着苹果手机，我推测是在回复和工作相关的邮件。在第一节比赛中间，我把自己的苹果手机给了最小的外甥女。四岁的她一直坐立不安，于是姐姐下载了十美元的手机应用程序给她玩。（现在我手机的应用图标里出现了一只猪、一个苹果、一位漂亮的公主和一朵微笑的有着红黄蓝三色花瓣的花。）这些对我来说基本上都没什么问题，因为场上所有的孩子都可爱得要命，像是穿着湖人队球衣的小人国球员。

“你家孩子是哪一个？”坐在我旁边的男人问我。我的心情顿时一落千丈。

“我是24号的小姨。”我回答他。苏菲是科比·布莱恩特的粉丝。“但是我肯定会有几个孩子，或者一个孩子，我只是做事情比其他人晚一些。”我继续说道，试图向一个陌生人辩解我的生活方式没有问题。至少他没有问我的工作是什么。

比赛后，我决定不去那些生日派对了，而是回家。我们叫了中餐外卖，之后我进房间收拾行李，准备第二天早上乘航班返回。我随身携带的行李显得更重了，重压在行李上的是我对自己的怀疑，回家之后我必须细细梳理。这个梳理过程冗长而乏味，包括重新思量那些疯狂的约会、大冒险，还有许多人。如果当初我选择的是更传统的生活方式，我可能就不会有那些经历，也可能不会遇见那些人了。

在睡觉之前，我查看了电子邮箱。我一直和一个朋友互通邮件，他是当叔叔的人。我们认识有20年了。他独自生活在一所简朴的房子里，养了一条叫布朗的狗，总是熬夜写剧本、读书，周末的时候就修理或者骑摩托车。他当叔叔比我当小姨舒服多了。我一直在邮件里给他讲述此行去姐姐家的细节。

“你嫉妒她吗？”最终他问我，“你想要她拥有的那种生活吗？”我讨厌他问我这个问题，同样讨厌的是我的确得思考一下问题的答案。

“有些方面，是的。”我最后写道。

我嫉妒她从来没当过“姨妈”，也不必为当“姨妈”感到焦虑。我嫉妒她的家庭、晚餐和清晨的混乱。我垂涎她的浴室、高科技咖啡机、吃不完的“海盗小吃”。但是我也明白，我的人生角色给我带来了亲密的朋友和奇遇——在异国他乡，在本地酒吧。这些哪怕是给我赏心悦目的茂盛草坪我也不会交换的。

然而，和姐姐在一起时，我还是常常感到嫉妒，这嫉妒困扰着我。它也迫使我去思考自己真正想要的东西。那不是对过去的重复，而是一个可以掌控的未来。在这个未来里，我有一份可观的收入；去非洲旅行；与一个奇特的好男人结婚；生几个古里古怪的漂亮孩子（或者至少一个）；出版一本真正有人买的书。但是这些都是雄心壮志，实际点说，至少其中一些是我可能无法实现的。一个比较适中也许更容易实现的目标应该是在奥斯汀幸福地生活。我可能会留下来，买幢房子，比我之前的房子要实用些，但院子里仍然会有纸浆做的假马。

1. octave [??kt?v] n. 八度音

2. apprehensively [??pr??hens?vli] adv. 忧虑地，不安地

3. tinge [t?nd?] n. 些许味道（或气息）；一丝痕迹（或性质）

4. ostentatious [??sten?te???s] adj. 招摇的；卖弄的

5. desiccated [?des??ke?t?d] adj. 干的；枯竭的

6. Marfa：马尔法，美国得克萨斯州南部小镇

7. burr [b??（r）] n. [植]有芒刺的草

8. gopher [?ɡ??f?（r）] n. [动]囊地鼠，见于北美大草原

9. papier-maché [?p?pie??m??e?] n. 混凝纸浆

10. exasperating [?ɡ?zɑ?sp??re?t??] adj. 使人恼怒的

11. unsolicited [??ns??l?s?t?d] adj. 未经请求的；主动提供的

12. Deepak Chopra：迪帕克·乔布拉（1946～），心灵导师和畅销书作者，同时是美国医师协会成员。他于1984年引介印度草医学到美国，开启了身心医学和全方位愈疗的风潮。

13. parlance [?pɑ?（r）l?ns] n. 说法；用语

14. coed [?k??ed] adj. 〈口〉男女同学的

15. Calvin Klein：美国时装品牌，简称CK，于1968年成立，创始者为同名设计师卡尔文·克莱恩（Calvin Klein， 1942～）。

16. relinquish [r??l??kw??] vt. 交出，让与

17. antsy [??ntsi] adj. 〈俚〉坐立不安的，烦躁的

18. Lilliputian [?l?l??pju??（?）n] adj. 小人国的

19. dribbler [?dr?b（?）l?（r）] n. 运球者

20. jersey [?d???（r）zi] n. 运动衫

21. Kobe Bryant：科比·布莱恩特（1978～），美国职业篮球运动员，自1996年起效力于NBA洛杉矶湖人队，司职得分后卫，球衣号码为24。

22. existence [?ɡ?z?st（?）ns] n. 生活方式；（尤指在逆境中的）生活

23. weigh down：压弯，压倒；使心情沉重

24. tryst [tr?st] n. 约会，幽会

25. luscious [?l???s] adj. 令人感官愉快的

26. Austin：奥斯汀，美国得克萨斯州首府