时间：2022-05-16 02:56:37
I was 18 the first time a therapist2） tried to get me to embrace the idea of daily affirmations. I was dealing with depression， anxiety， and an eating disorder， and the only thing I told myself regularly was that I was the most terrible， disgusting person on Earth. Daily affirmations， the therapist told me， were little sayings I could use to combat the default3） negativity that was always running through my mind. "It sounds dumb，" she said. "But it works." She gave me a little box of cards， each with a happy image and a saying such as "I am a good person"， or "I deserve recovery"， or "I am lovable and capable of sharing love with others". I rifled through4） them on my bed， rolling my eyes at each card and feeling as if I'd been transported to one of those old Stuart Smalley5） sketches from Saturday Night Live6）， where now-Senator Al Franken7） would parody8） the entire idea of daily affirmations with his signature catchphrase9）， "I am good enough， I'm smart enough， and doggone it10）， people like me！" In short， I felt like an idiot. This， I decided， was not for me.
So for years I kept up my typical routine11） of doing the difficult work that recovery and treatment entails12）， and then retreating home， looking in the mirror， and thinking， "You're a piece of crap13）." It was so automatic， so natural， that I didn't even recognize that I was essentially undoing hours of hard work just by allowing such thoughts to take control as they'd always done. I started wondering why I couldn't make recovery work， why I never seemed to feel better. When I began to relapse14） this year， I didn't even notice， because these feelings had become so normal.
While struggling through outpatient15） treatment last month， I came to rely on repeated spins of Fiona Apple's16） The Idler Wheel ... both for comfort and catharsis17）， and I went back and read the interviews she'd given after its release. I felt like I could hear the darker and lighter parts of myself in her songs， and I wanted to know how she felt when she was writing them. I came across this New York Times article from last May， and something she said really stuck with me： "If you keep on having these negative thoughts or being angry all the time， then that area of your brain is going to get stronger." I realized that I'd never opened up a pathway in my brain for positive thoughts to flow through.
This kind of self-encouragement was foreign to me and extremely difficult， and it would require practice. I needed all the help I could get. So I dug out the stupid cards and read one aloud.
"I am a good person."
I stood in front of the mirror and watched my mouth make those words and listened to my voice push them out into the air. I said it again.
"I am a good person."
I felt so stupid and corny18） and ridiculous， but I said it again.
"I am a good person."
And then I started bawling19）. Not because I'd miraculously allowed myself to suddenly believe in the positive words I was saying， but because I'd been able to see how routine the negativity had become， how cruel I'd been to myself on a regular basis， and it was shocking to feel something inside of me that had been dimmed for a very long time， to recognize that maybe there was something good there， something worth saving， and that maybe all my brain needed was a little encouragement from the healthy side of me， as opposed to a constant stream of bullying from my illness.
These days I use daily affirmations as needed： in dark times I try to keep an affirmation book or stack of cards around when I need a little support， and I've also developed little sayings of my own. If you don't want to buy affirmation books or cards， it's super easy to make your own， just by writing down a bunch of positive thoughts and quotes on scraps of paper and sticking them into a jar and pulling one out when you need one. Here are some examples：
I am beautiful.
I am loved and love others.
I am trying my best.
Should you feel that all of this is too corny for your liking―and trust me， it does feel that way for a while until you get used to it， and then it's like a tiny meditation20）， a self-esteem boost， a little shot of empowerment that helps make the world seem better―you can also tackle daily affirmations by keeping a journal and listing five things you've done or noticed during the day， including even the simplest stuff， which you may be surprised to notice adds up to a deeper appreciation of the universe around you and your place in it. For example：
1. Got out of bed
2. Laughed really hard at a dumb movie
3. Drank a delicious glass of lemonade
4. Hung out with my dog
5. Noticed how warm the sun felt on my skin
Sounds kind of basic， right？ But when you do it often enough， you become more aware of how beautiful tiny moments in your life can be， which helps to make the bigger， more overwhelming21） stuff seem a little less scary.
I know that this kind of thing isn't for everyone―there are days when I hop off the daily-affirmation train and forget to show myself， and the world around me， the love and empathy it deserves. But I always seem to come back to them， because sometimes you need to love yourself before you can notice it coming from anywhere else， and if you can take two seconds to stare yourself in the mirror down and pay you a compliment22）， you'll eventually stop feeling like a total poseur23） and start believing the things that are coming out of your mouth. You are beautiful. You do deserve to be loved. You are good enough， you are smart enough， and doggone it， people like you.
我18岁那年，平生第一次有心理医生努力说服我接受“每天自我肯定”的想法。那时候，我正陷于抑郁、焦虑中，还要对付厌食症，只会经常对自己说，我是这个世界上最糟糕、最讨人厌的人。那位心理医生告诉我，所谓“每天自我肯定”，就是让我通过一些只言片语来对付那些时刻萦绕在脑海中的、仿佛被设定好的消极想法。她说：“这听着有点傻，但是很管用。”她给了我一小盒卡片，每张上面都印着一幅欢快的图画，并配着一句类似“我很棒”“我会康复”或“我值得人爱，也能与他人分享爱”这样的话。我把卡片摊在床上翻了一遍，不屑地扫视着每张卡片，感觉自己好像被带到了《周六夜现场》里某个老旧的搞笑短剧中，现为参议员的阿尔・弗兰肯所扮演的斯图亚特・斯莫利完全不赞同 “每天自我肯定”这个想法，总用他标志性的口头禅打趣说：“我够优秀，我够聪明，去你的，人人喜欢我！”总之，我觉得自己就像个傻瓜。我认定，这个法子不适合我。
于是几年来，我每天坚持进行模式化康复治疗所要求的一切，过程是那么的艰难。之后我回到家中，看着镜中的自己，心想：“你就是个废物。”这种想法总会不由自主、自然而然地冒出来。我甚至都没能意识到，实际上，就仅仅是因为我一直放任这些想法，我之前做的那几个小时的艰苦努力就都化为了徒劳。我开始怀疑，为什么康复治疗对我就是不管用，为什么我总是好不起来。今年，甚至在不知不觉间，我就回到了老样子，因为这些想法已经变得很平常了。
上个月，当我苦熬门诊治疗时，我开始依赖费欧娜・艾波的专辑《公转不自转的生存之道》。我一遍又一遍地听着里面的歌，既是在寻求一种安慰，又是在进行一种宣泄。我从医院回来后看了些她在该专辑发行后的访谈文章。我感觉在她的歌里我仿佛能听出自己更灰暗的一面和更明亮的一面，我想知道她在写这些歌的时候有着怎样的感受。我偶然看到《纽约时报》去年五月刊登的一篇文章，她说的一些话真的让我铭记于心：“要是你总有这些消极想法，一直愤懑不已，那大脑负责这块儿的区域就会变得更强大。”我这才意识到，我从未在大脑里给积极的想法打开一条畅行的通道。
这种自我鼓励对我来说还比较陌生，做起来也就分外艰难，需要不断练习。我需要我能得到的一切帮助。于是我翻出了那些愚蠢的卡片，大声地读出其中的一句话。
“我很棒。”
我站在镜子前，看着自己的嘴里冒出这些字眼，听着自己的声音将它们推入空气中。我又说了一遍。
“我很棒。”
我觉得自己傻乎乎的，冒着土气，显得很可笑，但我又重复了一遍。
“我很棒。”
然后我开始放声大喊。倒不是因为突然间我奇迹般地让自己相信了我说的这些积极话语，而是因为我终于能发现，对于这些负面想法，我竟已变得如此习以为常，过去的每时每刻我对自己是多么残忍。感受到自己的内心在那么长一段时间里都是一片昏暗，明白那里也许还有些许美好，还有一些值得挽救的东西，发现自己的大脑所需的或许只是一点点来自健康那一面自我的鼓励，而不是来自患病那一面自我的无休止欺凌――这一切令我十分震惊。
这些日子以来，一旦有需要，我都会进行“每天自我肯定”：在黯淡无光的日子里，每当我需要些支持时，我会设法带上本肯定自我的小书或是一沓卡片，我自己也想出来几句简短的话语。要是你不愿去买这类书或卡片，自己做也是非常简单的。只要找几张纸片，写上那些积极的想法或经典语录，再放到一个罐子里，需要时就掏出来一张。下面举几个例子：
我很美。
人们爱我，我也爱其他人。
我正在竭尽所能。
你也许会觉得这些话太土，不太喜欢，但相信我，过段时间等你习惯了，就不会再有这样的感觉，此后这些话就像是片刻的冥想，让你更加自信，好似打了一剂强心针，让你觉得世界更加美好。你也可以每天记记日记，列出五件当天完成了的或是注意到的事情，甚至是最简单不过的事情，来进行“每天自我肯定”。你可能会突然惊喜地发现，这会进一步让你更欣赏周围的世界，更满意自己在其中的位置。譬如：
1. 钻出了被窝
2. 看了部烂片笑开了怀
3. 喝了杯可口的柠檬水
4. 陪着狗狗在外溜达
5. 发现阳光晒在身上有多么暖和
听上去很简单，对吗？可是当你经常这样做，到了一定程度时，你就更能意识到生活中这些细微的时刻也能如此美妙，而这有助于让那些更为重要、更无力抵挡的事物变得不那么可怕。
我知道这类方法并不适用于每个人。有些日子，我会跳下“每天自我肯定”的列车，忘记了告诉自己和周围的世界，它多么值得人爱，多么能引发别人的共鸣。但我似乎总能再次回归，因为有时你首先要爱自己，才能注意到爱也能来自其他任何地方。你要是能花上两秒钟目不转睛地盯着镜中的自己，夸上自己几句，你终将不再觉得自己矫情，而开始相信自己说出的话。你很美。你真的值得人爱。你够优秀，你够聪明。去他的，人人喜欢你！
1. 这篇文章选自泰薇・盖文森（Tavi Gevinson）主编的网络杂志《新秀》（Rookie）。关于这位少女的介绍请参考本期P36的“同龄故事”。
2. therapist [?θer?p?st] n. （特定治疗法的）治疗专家，治疗师
3. default [d??f??lt] n. 默认
4. rifle through： （在一堆东西中）匆匆翻找
5. Stuart Smalley： 斯图亚特・斯莫利，美国著名综艺节目《周六夜现场》（Saturday Night Live） 中的经典人物。
6. Saturday Night Live： 《周六夜现场》，是一个每周六深夜播出、时长90多分钟的美国综艺节目，以纽约市为拍摄地，自1975年10月11日由NBC播出。该节目以现场直播的方式播出，是美国电视史上最长寿的节目之一。
7. Al Franken： 阿尔・弗兰肯（Alan Stuart Franken， 1951～），美国政治家、明尼苏达州参议员、著名讽刺作家，曾在《周六夜现场》中饰演他创作的人物斯图亚特・斯莫利。
8. parody [?p?r?di] vt. 通过模仿嘲弄
9. catchphrase [?k?t?fre?z] n. （电视明星等著名人士常用的）口头禅；流行口号
10. doggone it： 去你的，他妈的。doggone [?d??n] vt. 诅咒
11. routine [ru??ti?n] n. 例行公事；日常工作；惯例；惯常的（或机械的）程序
12. entail [?n?te?l] vt. 使成为必要，需要
13. crap [kr?p] n. 废物，垃圾
14. relapse [r??l?ps] vi. （一度康复后）重发病
15. outpatient [?a?tpe??nt] n. 门诊病人
16. Fiona Apple： 费欧娜・艾波（1977～），美国创作歌手、钢琴家，代表作有专辑《公转不自转的生存之道》（The Idler Wheel ...）。
17. catharsis [k??θ?s?s] n. 感情净化；情绪宣泄（借悲剧等艺术作品以净化、抒发感情）
18. corny [?k??ni] adj. 乡巴佬似的
19. bawl [b??l] vi. 声嘶力竭地大叫
20. meditation [?med??te??n] n. 沉思，深思；冥想
21. overwhelming [???v??welm??] adj. 势不可挡的，压倒的
22. compliment [?k?mpl?m?nt] n. 赞美（话）；恭维（话）
23. poseur [p???z??（r）] n. 故作姿态的人，装腔作势的人