我的家暴回忆

Host： Every year in America more than four million women are assaulted by their husbands or their boyfriends. The women who stay in violent relationships applying an extra layer of makeup to 1）camouflage a black eye or cowering every time their partner raises his voice， knowing all too well what might be coming next， a slap across the face， a punch to the gut， another night of hoping that the kids down the hall can’t hear the mommy begging for mercy.

Chances are， when you think of those images， the picture that immediately sprang to mind was not the 2）meticulously dressed professional woman with a Harvard degree and the husband on Wall Street.

Leslie Steiner： If you and I met at one of our children’s birthday parties， in the hallway at work， or at a neighbor’s barbecue， you’d never guess my secret.

Host： That’s Leslie Morgan Steiner. She’s a former Washington Post executive and best-selling author， with degrees from two Ivy League schools. She’s raising three adorable children with a loving and successful husband. Her secret is that she was once married to a man who beat her with abandon on a regular basis.

Leslie Morgan Steiner has written about that painful chapter in her life in a new memoir and she joins us now. Leslie， when you first met Conor， did you have any 3）inkling that he was capable of this kind of abuse？

Steiner： No， not at all. I met him on the New York City subway and he was really clean cut， dressed in a business suit. He looked to me like―kind of like a fresh-faced farm boy.

Host： And you realize you’re smiling right now， when you even talk about that.

Steiner： Yes， even at the memory of it. He was incredibly polite. It happened to be a rainy， kind of snowy night and I looked very 4）bedraggled， so I didn’t look like a glamorous Seventeen magazine editor， and I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. And then he tracked me down at my job a month later and I was so flattered. And I had no idea.

Host： Tell me about that， that first beating.

Steiner： We were living in a small town in New England. My ex-husband had convinced me to leave my job at Seventeen and to leave New York City. In kind of a typical move he had consciously or unconsciously tried to isolate me from my friends and family.

And it was five days before our wedding， and I couldn’t get my computer to work. And I， I think I yelled or I slammed my fist on my desk or something like that， and he heard it. And before I knew it， he had burst into my little office and put his hands around my neck and picked me up and 5）shoved me against the wall repeatedly. And then he threw me down and left the house.

And you know， I should’ve left then， I suppose， but I think that the power of love just overwhelmed my intelligence， and logic and rationality. And I， I stayed with him and he beat me again on the honeymoon.

Host： He beat you twice on the honeymoon. Steiner： And I was driving our car and he punched me once when I got lost， and then we were driving back to our little town in New England and， there was an aggressive driver on the highway who was honking at me and my ex-husband woke up from a nap and got so mad at me that he threw the remains of our McDonald’s lunch at me as I drove.

Host： Earlier in your relationship， Conor would refer to you as “retard.” And it was a word that he used over and over again. You， you write about it lightly， but you repeat it enough to， I guess， signal to this reader that there was something to that.

Steiner： It was a term of 6）endearment， as sad as that sounds. But I think it is one of those red flags that I really missed at the time. We both looked like we had very different childhoods because he came from a very poor family， where he ended up being raised by his grandparents because his stepfather was so abusive， but we both had a lot of sadness in our childhood that， that bound us together.

But he was always really jealous of my educational advantages. And he kind of 7）idolized my advantages and he openly loved the fact that I’d gone to Harvard. But he also humiliated me a lot and I think that calling me retard was part of that dynamic.

Host： Ever confront him about it？

Steiner： No， I never did. And， in， in fact， I still have the， the last note that he ever wrote me. The last time that I ever saw him， I found a note in my mailbox that said， uh， goodbye retard.

Host： Why’d you keep that？

Steiner： You know， I kept a few， kind of， strange 8） mementos. I kept the wedding photo that he broke over my head that last night that we were together. I kept a copy of the restraining order. But I do keep those mementos in a small box in my basement， and in some ways keeping those mementos are just a reminder of how far I’ve come.

Host： Conor is in your past， but are you at all worried that he will read this very unflattering portrait of him and your marriage and decide to react or act out in some way？

Steiner： I think that I would be in denial if I weren’t a little bit afraid.

Host： Did you tell him you were writing this book？

Steiner： No. I have not talked to my ex-husband in， in almost 20 years. But I think it’s a risk that I’m willing to take.

As I tried to 9）grapple with this， I’ve come up with a saying that is， you know， if you can do a good deed， you must. And I feel like this is a good deed I’m doing for myself and for other women and children， all victims of domestic violence.

Host： So what would you say to that person who’s listening to us right now trying to figure out how they， how they deal with an awful situation？

Steiner： Well， my best advice would be to tell somebody， to try to break the isolation. I would also tell any victim that intimate partner violence is a crime. I think if you start to recognize that it is a crime， it takes away the shame. And the last thing I would say is something that I realized during that final beating. I realized that what I was doing was I was trusting another person’s rage.

It was very clear that my husband was a very angry man， and I’d always said to myself， even as he held a gun to my head， that he wasn’t really gonna hurt me. And I realized that you can’t trust somebody else’s rage. You know， really think about that. Can you trust the angriest part of the person you love？ Because they might kill you one day.

主持：每年在美国，有超过400万女性遭到丈夫或是男友的攻击。那些处于暴力恋爱关系中的女性会额外施一层粉黛来掩饰肿胀发紫的眼睛，每次当伴侣提高声调就会畏惧退缩，因为她们十分清楚接下来会发生什么情况：打在脸上的一巴掌，往肚子上的一拳，又一晚希望楼下客厅里的孩子听不到妈妈乞饶的哭声。

很可能，当你想到那些形象时，即时涌现你脑海中的画面不会是一个衣着经过精心搭配的职业女性，而且她还拥有哈佛学位，丈夫在华尔街工作。

莱斯利・斯坦利：要是你和我在对方孩子的生日会、在工作地点的走廊或是在邻居的烧烤聚会上遇见，你绝不会猜到我的秘密。

主持：那位女士是莱斯利・摩根・斯坦利。她曾是《华盛顿邮报》的高管，也是畅销作家，拥有两个常春藤盟校的学位。她和亲爱又成功的丈夫共同养育着三名可爱的子女。她的秘密就是她曾嫁过一个经常对她肆意虐打的男人。

莱斯利・摩根・斯坦利将自己人生中痛苦的一章写成了一部回忆录，现在她就与我们在一起。莱斯利，当你初遇康纳时，你有察觉出他是那种会施暴的人吗？

斯坦利：没有，一点也不。我在纽约地铁与他相遇，他外表非常整洁，穿着一套西装。他看向我就像是―就像是个一脸稚气的农家男孩。

主持：现在你是面带着笑容，尽管谈起那段不幸经历。

斯坦利：是的，就是想起来也会笑。他非常有礼貌。那恰好是个下雨，有点雪的夜晚，而我看上去非常邋遢狼狈，所以并不像是一个迷人的《十七岁》杂志的编辑，我不敢相信他竟然对我感兴趣。然后一个月后，他找到了我工作的地方，我真是受宠若惊。不知所措。

主持：跟我们说说第一次动手的情况吧。

斯坦利：我们那时住在新英格兰的一个小镇上。我的前夫说服了我从《十七岁》离职，离开纽约市。一种很典型的举动，他有意无意地试图让我远离亲友。

那是在我们举行婚礼的五天前，我的电脑动不了了。我想，我当时大喊大叫或是将拳头“砰砰”地敲在书桌上，或是类似的情况，他听到了。接着在我还没意识到之前，他就闯进了我的小办公室，用他的双手裹住我的脖子，将我拽了起来，不停地把我往墙上撞。然后他把我摔下来，离开了屋子。

你知道，我本该当时就走，我估计，但我想爱情的力量当时冲昏了我的智商、逻辑以及理智。我留下来和他呆在一起，然后在蜜月期他又再次打我。

主持：他在蜜月期打了你两次。

斯坦利：当时我开着车，我迷路时他给了我一拳，然后在我们驱车回新英格兰的小镇时，高速公路上有个急性子的司机不停对我响喇叭，我前夫从打盹中醒来，向我发火，就在我开着车的时候将中午吃剩的麦当劳向我扔了过来。

主持：在你们的恋爱初期，康纳会称你做“低能儿”。而且他会重复又重复地使用这个词。你对此轻描淡写，但该词多次出现，我想这是在提醒读者，当中包含着某些意义的吧。斯坦利：这是一种对爱人的昵称，就像听起来那般让人伤心。但我想那是我当时没有在意的其中一个警惕信号。我们两人看上去各自有迥然不同的童年，因为他来自一个赤贫家庭，后来是由祖父母拉扯大的，因为他的继父很暴戾，但我们的童年生活都有很多悲伤之处，这将我们联结到一起。

但他总是很嫉妒我在教育方面的优势。他也有点崇拜我的这点优势，甚至公开表示过喜欢我上过哈佛的经历。但同时他又经常贬损我，我想他叫我“低能儿”就是出于这种心态。

主持：曾经与他因这事儿有过正面冲突吗？

斯坦利：没有，从来都没有。事实上，我现在依然保存着他写给我的最后的话。我最后一次见他时，我在信箱里发现一张纸条，上面写着“再见，低能儿”。

主持：你干嘛要留着？

斯坦利：你知道，我留着一些奇怪的纪念品。我保存着我们在一起的最后一晚，他在我头顶撕烂的结婚照。我留着一张禁制令的复印件。我确实将那些纪念品留着放在地下室的一个小盒子里，保存那些东西从某方面来说是要提醒自己走过了怎样一段日子。

主持：康纳存在于你的过去，但你一点也不担心他会读到关于他那个不讨好的形象以及关于你们的婚姻的文字，然后有所回应或者有所行动吗？

斯坦利：说一点都不害怕，那是假的。

主持：你跟他说过你在写这本书吗？

斯坦利：没有。我已经有近二十年没跟我的前夫说话了。但我想那是个我愿意冒一冒的险。

当我尝试解决这个问题时，心中浮出一句话，那就是，你知道，要是你可以做一件好事，你就必须做。我认为我在做的是一件好事，为了我自己，也为了其他的妇女和儿童，所有遭遇家庭暴力的受害者。

主持：那么你想对现在正倾听我们对话的人，对想找出良策应对困境的那个人说些什么？

斯坦利：嗯，我最好的建议就是找个人敞开心扉，尝试打破孤立无援的状态。我也想对任何受害者说，亲密伴侣的暴力是一种罪行。我想，只要你开始明白这是一种罪行，那层耻辱感就会消失。我最想说的是我在最后一次被打时明白到的道理。我明白到自己其实是信任了别人的暴怒。

很明显我的丈夫是个非常暴躁的人，而我总是对自己说，就算他用枪指着我的头，他也并不是真的要伤害我。我后来意识到真不能信任别人的暴怒。你知道，好好想一想。你能信任你爱人最愤怒的部分吗？因为有朝一日他们可能会杀了你。