凯文·布雷尔:一个抑郁喜剧演员的自白

【摘要】My pain， more than anything in 19 years on this planet， has given me perspective， and my hurt， my hurt has forced me to have hope， have hope and to have faith， fa...

Kevin Breel： Confessions of a Depressed Comic

Two years ago it was my problem， because I sat on the edge of my bed， I was 1）suicidal. And if you were to look at my life on the surface， you wouldn’t see a kid who was suicidal. You would see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team， the drama and theater student of the year， the English student of the year， someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn’t depressed， you would say I wasn’t suicidal， but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.

And I didn’t， so that makes me one of the lucky ones， one of the people who gets to step out on the 2）ledge and look down but not jump， one of the lucky ones who survives. Well， I survived， and that just leaves me with my story， and my story is this： In four simple words， I suffer from depression. And for a long time， I think， I was living two totally different lives， where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was， that I wasn’t the perfect， popular kid in high school everyone thought I was， that beneath my smile， there was struggle， and beneath my light， there was dark， and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.

And I， I don’t know what the solution is. I wish I did， but I don’t―but I think， I think it has to start here. It has to start with me， it has to start with you， it has to start with the people who are suffering， the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and 3）shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in， because if there’s one thing that I’ve come to realize， if there’s one thing that I see as the biggest problem， it’s not in building a world where we 4）eliminate the ignorance of others. It’s in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves， where we’re okay with who we are， because when we get honest， we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it’s with this， whether it’s with something else， we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart， and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now， depression is society’s deep cut that we’re content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it’s not there.

Well， it is there. It is there， and you know what？ It’s okay. Depression is okay. If you’re going through it， know that you’re okay. And know that you’re sick， you’re not weak， and it’s an issue， not an identity， because when you get past the fear and the 5）ridicule and the judgment and the 6）stigma of others， you can see depression for what it really is， and that’s just a part of life， and as much as I hate， as much as I hate some of the places， some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to， in a lot of ways I’m grateful for it. Because yeah， it’s put me in the valleys， but only to show me there’s peaks， and yeah it’s dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light.

My pain， more than anything in 19 years on this planet， has given me perspective， and my hurt， my hurt has forced me to have hope， have hope and to have faith， faith in myself， faith in others， faith that it can get better， that we can change this， that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance， fight back against intolerance， and more than anything， learn to love ourselves， learn to accept ourselves for who we are， the people we are， not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we’re measured by our ability to overcome adversities， not avoid them.

The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say， “I’m going through hell，” and they can look back at me and go， “Me too，” and that’s okay， because depression is okay. We’re people. We’re people， and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry， and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness， then I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. You’re wrong， because it’s the opposite. We’re people， and we have problems. We’re not perfect， and that’s okay.

So we need to stop the ignorance， stop the intolerance， stop the stigma， and stop the silence， and we need to take away the taboos， take a look at the truth， and start talking， because the only way we’re gonna beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together.

And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you.（Applause）

两年前，它是我的困扰，因为我曾坐在床边，想着要自杀。如果你仅从表面上看我的生活，你不会看到一个有自杀倾向的孩子。你会看到一个篮球队队长、一个年度舞台戏剧班的学生、一个年度英语学习的学生、一个一贯出现在荣誉榜上的和经常出现在任何派对上的人。所以你会说我不是抑郁，你会说我不会自杀，但你就错了。你就错了。所以我那天晚上坐在床边，旁边有一瓶药，我手上拿着纸笔，我想着要终结自己的生命。我差一点点就做了。我差点就这样做了。

然而我没有，所以我成为了幸运的一分子，一个走到边缘并向下看但没有跳下去的人，我是幸运活下来的人之一。嗯，我活下来了，这便有了我和我的故事，我的故事是简单的四个字，患抑郁症。我想，在很长时间里，我在活着两个完全不同的人生，一个总是害怕别人的人。我害怕人们会看到我真正的样子：我不是那个所有人眼中完美的又受欢迎的高中男孩；在我的微笑之下，是挣扎，在我的光芒之下，是黑暗，在我强大的人格下藏着更深层次的痛苦。

然而我，我不知道解决的方案是什么。我希望我知道，但我不知道，但我认为，它得从这里开始。它得从我开始，它得从你开始，它得从患病的人们，得从那些被隐藏在阴影中的人们开始。我们需要说出来打破沉默。我们需要成为那些为我们相信的事情而勇敢的人，因为如果有一件事我已经开始意识到，如果有一件事我认为是最大的问题，那就是：这不在于建造一个世界，（一个）我们可以忽略他人的无知的世界，而在于建造一个教会我们自己接受自己，坦然面对我们自己的世界。因为当我们诚实面对的时候，我们会看到我们都在挣扎，都在忍受苦痛。无论是与抑郁症有关，还是与别的事情有关，我们都知道什么给我们带来了痛苦。我们都知道是什么在我们的心中留下痛楚，我们也知道治愈有多重要。但是现在，抑郁症是社会深深的伤口，我们仅仅把创可贴贴上，就假装它不存在。

而它是存在的，是存在的。而且你知道么？它并没什么。抑郁症没什么。因为如果你克服了它，你就知道你没事。知道虽然你病了，但你并不脆弱，它是一个问题，不是一个身份标签，因为当你熬过恐惧和嘲笑，以及别人对你的看法和耻辱，你就可以看到抑郁症真实的身份，它只是生活的一部分，虽然我讨厌，非常讨厌它已经毁坏了我生活中的某些地方，我生活的某些部分，但在很多方面上看，我是非常感激它的。因为没错，它是把我置于低谷，但只是为了向我证明有高峰，是的，它将我拉进了黑暗，但只是为了提醒我有光明。

我的痛苦比十九年来这个星球上的任何事给我的感受还要多，而我的伤口迫使我拥有希望，有希望，有信心，对我自己有信心，对其他人有信心，相信我们的抑郁可以得到缓解，我们可以不再抑郁，我们可以大声谈论，畅所欲言，抵抗无知，抵抗不宽容。而更重要的是，学会爱自己，学会接受真实的自己，真实的我们，而不是别人想要我们成为的那个人。因为我相信在这个世界上，拥抱光明并不意味着忽视你的黑暗世界。我相信世界会根据我们克服逆境的能力，而不是逃避它们的能力来评价我们。

我相信的世界是一个我可以看着某一个人的眼睛并说“我正在过着地狱般的生活”的世界，他们也可以看着我跟我说“我也是”这没关系。因为抑郁没什么，我们都是人。我们是人，我们挣扎，我们遭受痛苦，我们流血，我们哭泣，如果你认为真正的力量代表从未显露任何弱点，那么我在这里要告诉你，你错了。你错了，因为事实是相反的。我们是人，我们会有问题。我们不是完美的，而这没什么。

所以我们需要停止无知，停止不容忍，停止蔑视和停止沉默，我们需要打破禁忌，正视真相，并开始说话，因为我们要解决他人正在独自克服的问题的唯一方法就是坚强地站在一起。

我相信我们可以。我相信我们可以。非常感谢。我的梦想成真了。谢谢。（掌声）