青春易逝,挚友难寻

世界越来越紧密，人却越来越孤单。离开校园后，受到家庭、工作等各种牵绊，交到知心朋友变得越来越难。许多人因此感叹：大学也许是结交死党的最后时机了。所以，象牙塔里的年轻朋友，趁青春还在，好好享受纯粹的友谊！

It was like one of those magical blind-date scenes out of a Hollywood rom-com1）， without the “rom.” I met Brian， a New York screenwriter， a few years ago through work， which led to dinner with our wives and friend chemistry that was instant and obvious.

We liked the same songs off Bob Dylan2）’s Blonde on Blonde， the same lines from Chinatown3）. By the time the green curry shrimp had arrived， we were finishing each other’s sentences. Our wives were forced to cut in： “Hey， guys， want to come up for air4）？”

As Brian and his wife wandered off toward the No. 2 train afterward， it crossed my mind that he was the kind of guy who might have ended up a groomsman at my wedding if we had met in college.

That was four years ago. We’ve seen each other four times since. We are “friends，” but not quite friends. We keep trying to get over the hump5）， but life gets in the way.

Our story is not unusual. In your 30s and 40s， plenty of new people enter your life， through work or Facebook. But actual close friends—the kind you make in college， the kind you call in a crisis—those are in shorter supply.

As people approach midlife， the days of youthful exploration， when life felt like one big blind date， are fading. Schedules compress， priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.

No matter how many friends you make， a sense of fatalism can creep in： the period for making B.F.F.6）’s， the way you did in your teens or early 20s， is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to7） situational friends： K.O.F.’s （kind of friends）—for now.

In studies of peer groups， Laura L. Carstensen， a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California， observed that people tended to interact with fewer people as they moved toward midlife， but that they grew closer to the friends they already had.

Basically， she suggests， this is because people have an internal alarm clock that goes off at big life events， like turning 30. It reminds them that time horizons are shrinking， so it is a point to pull back on exploration and concentrate on the here and now. “You tend to focus on what is most emotionally important to you，” she said， “so you’re not interested in going to that cocktail party. You’re interested in spending time with your family.”

As external conditions change， it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends： proximity； repeated， unplanned interactions； and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other. This is why so many people meet their lifelong friends in college.

In the professional world， “proximity” is hard to maintain， as work colleagues are reassigned or move on to new jobs.

The workplace can crackle8） with competition， so people learn to hide vulnerabilities and quirks9） from colleagues. Work friendships often take on a transactional feel； it is difficult to say where networking ends and real friendship begins.

Differences in professional status and income also complicate matters. “It really does get weird when your friends are making tons more than you， or tons less，” said Adriane Duckworth， a former marketing executive now working as an artist in Hamilton， Ontario. She recently welcomed a promising new couple into her circle of friends， but they quickly turned people off10） with their obsession with money.

External factors are not the only hurdle. After 30， people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendship. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge， so you become pickier about whom you surround yourself with， said Marla Paul， the author of the 2004 book The Friendship Crisis： Finding， Making， and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore. “The bar is higher than when we were younger and were willing to meet almost anyone for a margarita，” she said.

Manipulators， drama queens11）， egomaniacs12）： a lot of them just no longer make the cut13）.

Thayer Prime， a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London， has even developed a playful 100-point scale （100 being “best friend forever”）. In her mind， she starts to dock14） new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10， she said， her new friends end up from 30 to 60， or little more than an acquaintance.

“You meet someone really nice， but if they don’t return a call， drop to 90. If they don’t return two calls， that’s an immediate 50，” she said. “If they’re late to something in the first month， that’s another 10 off.”

Having been hardened by experience， many people develop a more fatalistic view of friendship.

“When you’re younger， you define what it really means to be friends in a more serious way，” said my screenwriter friend， Brian.

“My ideas of friendship were built by The Godfather15） and Diner16），” he said. “Your friends were your brothers， and anything but total loyalty at all costs meant excommunication17）. As you get older， that model becomes unrealistic.”

Some， like Ms. Degliantoni， the fund-raising executive， simply downsize their expectations. “I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs，” she said of her current strategy. “I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend.”

“It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life，” she added， “than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend.”

Or， they hit rock bottom and turn back the clock to their breathlessly social 20s.

After a move to New York in his 30s， Dave Cervini， a radio station executive， was so lonely that he would walk his cat in Central Park， hoping to stoke conversations. Finding only curious stares， he decided to start the New York Social Network， an activities group for people to find friends by hanging out at Yankees games or wine-tasting mixers. The company now counts 2，000 members， most in their 30s. He considers 200 of them close friends.

“It takes courage for people to take the first step，” he said. “Hopefully， I make it easier， having been there myself.”

In that spirit， I recently called Brian. We joked about our inability to find time to hang out， and made a dinner date at the next available opening.

It is three months from now.

那一幕，就像好莱坞浪漫喜剧片中那些素昧平生的男女初次约会一样神奇，只不过少了“浪漫”色彩。几年前，因为工作的关系，我结识了在纽约做编剧的布莱恩，随后我们便各自带着妻子一起共进晚餐，大家可谓一见如故。

我们都爱听鲍勃·迪伦《金发佳人》专辑里的同样几首歌曲，也都喜欢电影《唐人街》中的同样几句台词。当青咖喱虾端上来时，我们已经默契到能接上彼此没说完的话了。夫人们不得不打断我们：“嗨，你们俩要不要歇口气儿啊？”

晚餐后，当布莱恩和他的妻子朝着地铁二号线漫步而去的时候，我的脑子里突然闪过一个念头：要是我和布莱恩在大学时就认识，说不定他会成为我婚礼上的伴郎。

那是四年前的事了，之后我们又见过四次面。我们是“朋友”，但并不是很要好的朋友。我们一直试着冲破关系的瓶颈，却常被生活的琐事羁绊。

我们的故事并不罕见。在你三四十岁时，很多新的面孔涌入你的生活，有时是通过工作，有时是通过Facebook。然而，真正亲密的朋友——那种你在大学时结交的朋友，那种你在危难之时可以求助的朋友——却越来越少。

人们年轻时，日子充满探索，生活如同一场规模宏大的初次约会，可随着步入中年，这样的日子渐渐远去。日程表上的工作日渐密集，生活的重心逐渐改变，人们对朋友的要求也常常变得越来越挑剔。

无论你交多少朋友，总会有一种宿命感悄然潜入你的心中：像你十几或二十来岁那样结交一生挚友的时期基本上已经结束。现在，你只能将就一下，在特定环境中认识一些朋友：准朋友。

在对同龄人群进行的研究中，加州斯坦福长寿研究中心主任、心理学教授劳拉·L·卡斯滕森发现，人们在接近中年时交往的人会越来越少，但与他们已有的朋友之间的关系则愈加紧密。

她认为，这在根本上是因为人们内心都有一台“闹钟”，每到人生重要关头，譬如进入30岁时，闹钟就会铃声大作。它提醒人们，时光正在消逝，此刻是时候停止探索、专注当下了。“你会关注在情感上对你最重要的事，”她说，“因此，你不会对参加鸡尾酒会感兴趣，你感兴趣的是花时间陪陪自己的家人。”

20世纪50年代以来，社会学家一直认为，要想结交亲密的朋友，有三个条件至关重要：朝夕相处；反复的、未经事先计划的交流；让人感到可以放松心理戒备、彼此吐露心声的环境。但随着外部环境的改变，要想满足这三个条件变得越来越困难。这也是为什么那么多人交到终生挚友是在大学时代。

在职场上，由于同事职务调整或者变换新的工作岗位，“朝夕相处”很难保持。

工作场所总是充满竞争，因此人们学会了在同事面前隐藏自己的脆弱面和怪癖。工作中的友谊时常会给人一种交易感。人们很难分辨什么时候事务性的交往结束，真正的友谊开始。

职业地位和收入方面的差别也会令情况变得错综复杂。“当你的朋友挣得比你多得多或者少得多的时候，真的会感觉怪怪的。”阿德里安·达克沃思说。她曾是一名营销主管，目前在安大略省汉密尔顿从事艺术创作。最近，她将一对很有前途的新婚夫妇纳入了自己的朋友圈，但这对夫妇对金钱的痴迷很快让大家感到厌烦。

外部因素并不是交友的唯一障碍。30岁以后，对于如何看待友谊，人们常常会经历心态上的转变。2004年出版的《友谊危机：成年后如何发现、结交和维系朋友》一书的作者玛拉·保罗说，以前你是进行自我发现，现在你有了自知之明，所以你对让谁陪伴自己左右变得愈发挑剔。“年轻时，我们因为一杯玛格丽特酒几乎可以和任何人交朋友，可现在交友的门槛提高了。”她说。

控制欲强的人、喜欢作秀的人、极端自我的人——这样的人大多不会再被接纳为朋友。

现居伦敦的32岁的战略顾问塞耶·普莱姆甚至还开发了一套很有戏谑意味的百分制量表（一百分表示“一生挚友”）。当新朋友候选人出现令人生厌或不忠实的行为时，她就在心中开始扣分。她说，她的新朋友十之八九最后得分都在30～60分，跟“泛泛之交”相差无几。

“你认识了一个很不错的人，但如果他们有一次不回电话，得分就降到90分。如果他们两次不回电话，就立刻降到50分，”她说，“如果在认识的头一个月里迟到一次，就再扣去10分。”

经验让人们变得麻木，于是很多人愈发对友谊产生一种宿命论的看法。

“年轻的时候，你会以一种更认真的态度去界定真正意义上的友谊。”我那位做编剧的朋友布莱恩说。

“我的友谊观是通过电影《教父》和《餐馆》建立起来的，”他说，“朋友如兄弟，倘若做不到绝对的誓死忠诚，那就绝交。年龄渐大之后，这种交友模式就变得不那么现实了。”

有的人会直接降低对朋友的期望值，比如筹资管理师德利安东尼女士。她在谈及目前的交友策略时说：“我采取一种极其有效的方法，寻找志趣相投的人来迎合自己特定的需求。我有一个酒友，一个书友，一个谈育儿经的朋友，几个一起打篮球的朋友，一个邻居朋友，还有个一起健身的朋友。”

她补充说：“相比费尽心思地找一个新朋友，这样更容易填补我这些需求空缺。”

或者，有的人在跌入人生谷底时，会将时光逆转，重新去体验二十多岁时那段忙于社交应酬的时光。

戴夫·切尔维尼是一家电台的管理人员，他在三十多岁搬到纽约后感到十分孤单，便带着自己的猫去中央公园散步，希望能借此搭讪与人聊天，结果只换来好奇的目光。于是，他决定创办“纽约社交网络”这个活动组织，使人们可以通过观看扬基队比赛或者参加品酒会来找朋友。这个团体现已拥有两千名会员，大部分都是三十多岁。他将其中的两百人都看做是自己的密友。

“人们迈出第一步是需要勇气的，”他说，“我领略过这种滋味，但愿我能让别人这一步迈得更轻松一点。”

在这种精神的感召下，我最近给布莱恩打了电话。我们开玩笑地说大家都忙得没时间聚一聚，然后约好下一次有空时一起吃晚饭。

那要到三个月以后了。

1. rom-com：浪漫喜剧电影（romantic comedy）

2. Bob Dylan：鲍勃·迪伦（1941～），被认为是20世纪美国最重要、最有影响力的民谣、摇滚歌手，并被视为是20世纪60年代美国民权运动的代言人。

3. Chinatown：指1974年的美国电影《唐人街》，曾获得第47届奥斯卡最佳原著剧本奖。

4. come up for air：暂停一会，休息片刻

5. over the hump：渡过最困难（或最危险）的阶段

6. B.F.F.：终生挚友（Best Friend Forever）

7. resign oneself to：听任，顺从

8. crackle [?kr?k（?）l] vi. 充满

9. quirk [kw??（r）k] n. 怪癖，古怪的性格

10. turn off：（使）失去兴趣；（使）厌烦

11. drama queen：喜欢小题大做的人

12. egomaniac [?i?ɡ???me?ni?k] n. 极端自我主义者

13. make the cut：过关，晋级

14. dock [d?k] vt. 扣（分）

15. The Godfather：电影《教父》，是1972年制作的一部讲述黑帮故事的电影，曾获得奥斯卡奖、金球奖等多项大奖。

16. Diner：电影《餐馆》，1982年在美国上映。

17. excommunication

[?eksk??mju?n??ke??（?）n] n. 逐出群体