Author's Preface of My Past Life

I have dreamed of being a writer in my youth, writing some ordinary writings. Then I married and had babies, not for seeking fame and wealth, also for my writer dream. There is no difference for me among being a writer, an understanding wife and loving mother, which moves me. For many years, I have not written anything about my life except the professional demands. With increasing of age, the desire of writing in me grows up. However, without talent or diligence, my confidence has been abandoned by fear. I thought, many occupations could be selected but only the real writing which is similar with priest chosen by God is targeted in advance.

In 1994, my husband passed away after serous disease. I spent four months to complete my essay May Forever. Zhu Wei collected my writing and called me: “Thank you for the good writing for readers.” I felt pressure on the words of Zhu Wei because he is a harsh critic.

I was planning to write for myself, my son and some special people in order to keep calm for those who are separated with us or far away from us. It was a surprise that many readers gave me responses and approvals, which drove me to continue my writing. The responses and approvals I mentioned are not only the “good reputation”. When my personal style with nostalgic vision is accepted by the readers unexpectedly, I came to realize the meaning of my writing. Spirit and emotion shaped in association. If my experience was not that superficial, it will be the consequence of my deep relationship with characters and events in my writing. The original manuscript of human being is powerful and correct. If my words are not feeble and futile, it means my life is rich and deep enough. All my suffering and difficulties, my happiness and sadness, understanding and confusion, connotation and limitation originate from the experience and go beyond literature.

I could not remember who said that only an honest man could be lovely and happy one. Therefore, only a real writing could be valuable and beautiful. In my opinion, it is the difference between true and false rather than good or bad. Even the fiction, the real emotion is very important.

I would like to accept works as accept understanding of a piece of history; accept a writer as accept emotional approvals. For this reason, I feel grateful to those who respect all the history, love all the experience and adore life. It comes from their self-respect from which produce the power of loving others.

The essay is describing the people, regarding the characters — Zhao Yifan, Zhou Meiying, Bei Dao, and Mang Ke from Today Poetry Group as the “freshmen” emerged in 1970s -1980s in China

The concept of “freshmen” originates from a Chernyshevsky of Russian revolutionary democracy writer, subhead “the Story of a Freshman” of master work What to Do. The book had deeply influence for the Chinese educated youth in 60-70s in 20 century, which was different philosophy from another master work the making of a Hero. They all described the revolution and revolutionist, but the later one was our familiar collectivism, communism, which was not space for personal life and growth. The former one showed us there was not only the space for love and marriage, but also for freedom and right in the revolutionary background. The author stood for “reasonable egoism” not sinking into moral relativism. It was an argument for selfishness of common people rather than abandoning the pursuit of ideal personality, which was the thinking resource for the youth who organized skepticism. Compared with the hero Yu Luoke, “freshmen” in 20 century in China expressed their revolt by the way of publicizing their personality instead of revolutionary; by the anti-traditional works and living style to challenge the mythology of revolutionary. Whether they are voluntary or not, they stood the edge of society and made contrary against the noisy, blundering and weary state in that time, which has significant meaning to the society. ” (May Forever)

At that time, the idealism, romanticism and the rational spirit to question this group of people represented influence me and fascinate many people. I was trying to record the characters and events in that time with my own experience as a hint. As Pasternak says, what I want to express is “how life turns to artistic reality in my personal experience and how the reality is produced from my fate and experience.”

However, these “freshmen” had not turned into mature and powerful enough to maintain attitude as real resistants and bear the mission of freshmen. The memory of that period of history which was not too long for us has been faded way or been thoroughly denied by some people. Undoubtedly, we should think about it. Were those convictions which were wrong worthy of believing? Haven’t we reached to the essence so we could not complete it? Was it just one excuse for our falling of self-justification? It is the question to those including me who retreated from the resistants.

My friend told me that, my writing improved the life. Therefore, I planned to name the book “Embellishing to death”. It was an unavoidably isolation rather than a respond of well–meaning criticism. As a person, a woman, a mother, whatever roles you have changed, you had to face the difficulty, how would you demonstrated the “justification of living”? As a participant of history, a witness person of tragedy, how could you keep arrogant and calm in your heart?

However we are still living. As Shi Tiesheng said, writing is the reason for living; so when I hesitated with the writing: I removed the blood and cruel plot, the absurd and funny stories, only keeping the characters from the stories. Even it is miserable, it is warm. I would like to convey to my son and friends for I deeply understand how important they are to me.

These writings could not express my discovery of hearts, which are fragment, scattered and segmentary. They were just referring to my writing. The step of life would not stop, and new confusions grow up every day while the conclusions are long in coming. The entanglement of history and dilemma of spirit, like women’s complicated feelings, are always haunted. It is the process of writing, and the process of living.