时间：2022-10-06 12:13:05
【作文题】
5月1日，高二（3）班的学生志愿者Li Yue 和 Zhang Hua 去阳光敬老院（Sunshine Nursing Home）开展志愿者活动（送水果、打扫、聊天等）。假如你是校英语报的记者，请按下列要点用英语写一则100～120个词的新闻报道。
1. 时间、地点、人物、活动；
2. 老人们的反应；
3. 简短评论。
注意：报道的标题和记者姓名已给出（不计词数）。
Student Volunteers Brought Sunshine to the Elderly
By Chen Jie， School Newspaper
这是2009年浙江省高考英语卷的作文题，考查的是新闻写作。这类文章一般由两部分组成：一是对事件的记叙，二是对事件的简短评论。由于这两部分是两种文体，在写作过程中，要特别注意时态的运用和语言风格的变化。记叙部分须使用过去时，而评论部分则常使用一般现在时，语言应该尽量符合报道的特点，做到言简意赅。
我们来看下面这篇短文。
Student Volunteers Brought Sunshine to the Elderly
Li Yue and Zhang Hua are our school’s volunteers from Class 3， Grade 2. On June 1， they went to the Sunshine Nursing Home. They cleaned the house and played games with the old men. Then， they sent some apples to the old people. The old people were very happy. Li Yue and Zhang Hua communicated the things of school with the old people. The old people hoped them work hard. At last， they said goodbye to the old people.
Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school. We should remember them. We should take good care of the old people in our family.
By Chen Jie， School Newspaper
【点评】 模拟得分：15分
这篇短文的第一部分是对事件的叙述，第二部分是对事件的评价，在结构上符合新闻报道的要求，内容基本涵盖题目所给的写作要点，时态的运用也没有错误，但是通篇看来却没有什么亮点。
（1） 文章主要采用简单句表达，句与句之间缺少恰当的连接过渡，读来十分生涩，还有些唆。
比如第一段的开头：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are our school’s volunteers from Class 3， Grade 2. On June 1， they went to the Sunshine Nursing Home. 除了把“5月1日”写成了“6月1日”外，这两句的表达方式并无不妥，但是把它们合并成一句，改为On May 1st， Li Yue and Zhang Hua， two students from Class 3， Grade 2， went to the Sunshine Nursing Home to work as volunteers，行文会更流畅，语言会更精练。
又比如最后一段：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school. We should remember them. We should take good care of the old people in our family. 与其号召同学们记住Li Yue和Zhang Hua，不如说他们树立了好榜样，号召同学们向他们学习。调整内容，用复句来表达：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school and they set a good example to us to take good care of the old people.修改后显然表意更到位，更符合逻辑，语言更高级。
（2） 记叙在敬老院的活动的两个句子――They cleaned the house and played games with the old men. Then， they sent some apples to the old people――中间用了then来连接。但从逻辑上看，到了敬老院应该是先送上水果再打扫，打扫完了之后一起做游戏。除了调整次序，三件事中间还可以再加些过渡词句，让语句更通顺：They offered some apples to the old people and then helped them clean the house. Everything done， they played games with them.
（3） 聊天也是志愿活动之一，但文中讲完送水果、打扫、做游戏后，先描述了老人们的反应The old people were very happy，再继续写聊天这项活动，导致条理有些混乱。
此外，Li Yue and Zhang Hua communicated the things of school with the old people一句也存在一些语病。首先，没有communicate sth with sb这样的用法，communicate withby表示“通过……和某人交流”的意思，而“聊天”一般用chat / talk withabout sth来表达。其次，the things of school这个表述也欠地道。
结合前面的活动描述，调整语序，修改语病，这里可以改为：Everything done，they played games and chatted with the old people about their school lives.
（4） 第一段的最后描述了老人们的反应：The old people hoped them work hard. At last， they said goodbye to the old people. “好好学习”是老人们对志愿者的期望，而不是反应，改成“感谢志愿者”从行文意思上讲会更顺畅。再把这两个简单句整合成复句：The old people were very happy and thanked them for their kindness when it was time to say goodbye.
你发现了吗？在适当调整内容的基础上，重点把一些简单句合并成复合句，并添加一些过渡性的词句，这篇文章就升格了不少。
作为高中生，同学们在写作时应该能自如地运用从句、倒装句、复句等复杂句型。如果对从句等的使用没有把握，至少要用一些长复句来体现写作功底。
【修改后】 模拟得分：20分
Student Volunteers Brought Sunshine to the Elderly
On May 1st， Li Yue and Zhang Hua， two students from Class 3， Grade 2， went to the Sunshine Nursing Home to work as volunteers. They offered some apples to the old people and then helped them clean the house. Everything done， they played games and chatted with the old people about their school lives. The old people were very happy and thanked them for their kindness when it was time to say goodbye.
Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school and they set a good example to us to take good care of the old people.
By Chen Jie， School Newspaper