The First Shuttle Trip

I went to bed at night 11 with snow outside. I shrinked into the quilt inside, picked up the alarm clock, alarm clock was found stopped―I forgot to replace the battery . It was so cold, I would not rise again. I called my mother, “Mum, my alarm clock is dead, tomorrow still catch an early bus, six clock, when you give me a call and told me to get up.” My mother’s voice was a little dumb there. May be have been asleep. She said: “Well, my dear.”

Phone rang when I did dream of the day outside the dark. Mom over there said: “It is time to get up, and still catch the early bus.” I saw my watch―5:40. I impatiently cried: “Do not I let you call me at six? I would also like to sleep for a while, were you stir in!” Mom suddenly did not speak, and I hang up the phone.

I got up and grooming was good, to go out. It was really cold and filled the snow, a vast expanse between heaven and earth. Stage I non?鄄stop bus stop stamped. Around the dark, I was standing next to two white?鄄haired old man. I heard the old gentleman said to the old woman: “You see ,you one night no sleep, as early as reminders, I started a few hours, and now wait so long.”

Yes ah, the first shuttle trip even five minutes to come !

The bus finally came, I got on. A very young lad is driving, he was waiting for me on the bus after driving. I said: “Please wait, there are two elderly people following it, the weather was so cold,they wait for a long time, how can you range them on the bus and drove?”

That very vigorous young man, said: “Never mind, they are my parents. This is the first day I drive and they come to see me.”

I suddenly began to cry. Cell phone, I saw my father sent a message: daughter, your mom said that she is not good, she has not slept well, woke up very early for fear you will be late.

Suddenly I remembered a Jewish proverb:

When father gives something to his son, the son smiles.

When son gives something to his father, the father cries.

总评

这是一个非常感人的故事。故事虽短,但首尾相应,有一个很好的点睛之笔,英文叫做“punch line”。我喜欢这个故事,希望与读者共享,所以对本了通篇修改。请读者对照原文和修改后的作文,恕不一一解释。

修改后的作文

The First Shuttle Trip

I went to bed at 11 pm; it was snowing outside. I shrank deep under the quilt and reached for the alarm clock; it had stopped―I forgot to replace the battery. It was so cold that I did not want to get up again. I called my mother, “Mom, my alarm clock is dead, but tomorrow morning I need to get up at six o’clock to catch an early bus. Can you give me a wakeup call?” My mother’s voice was a little dull, “Fine, my dear.” Perhaps, I had woken her up.

Phone rings pulled me out of my dreams. Mom said from the other end of the line, “It is time to get up, and you need to catch the early bus.” I looked at my watch―5:40. “Didn’t I ask you to wake me up at SIX?” I grumbled. “Let me have some more sleep, please!” I hang up on Mom.

I got up and got ready for the trip. It was a dark, cold morning, and everywhere was filled with snow. As I reached the bus stop, I found a white?鄄haired couple had already been there waiting.“You see, you didn’t sleep at all last night and got here so early,” the man murmured to the woman.

The bus finally came. The driver was a very young man. He waited just long enough for me to get on before he started the bus again. “Please wait,” I said to the driver. “There are two older people that need to get on too; it is so cold, and they have waited for a long time. How could you leave them behind?”

Without stopping the bus, the very eager young driver responded, “That’s ok; they are my parents. This is my first day on the job, so they came to make sure I’m all right.”

I couldn’t hold back my tears. My cell phone rang; incoming was my father’s message: “Sweetie, your mom is not feeling well; she was up most of the night so that she wouldn’t miss your wakeup call.”

The wakeup call, the older couple, the young driver ... reminded me of a Jewish proverb:

When a father gives something to his son, the son smiles.

When a son gives something to his father, the father cries.