迟到的完美沙滩身材

We regret to inform you that your beach body， slated1） for arrival in early June of this year， will be delayed， perhaps indefinitely. A number of factors， all under your direct control， have contributed to this unfortunate setback.

First and foremost， you are still eating a lot of food. While you have done an excellent job of including more vegetables in your diet， you have also included more of everything else， like cake. In the past month alone， you have eaten cake on eight occasions. None of which were birthday-related.

You have been complaining about your metabolism2） slowing down. Metabolic rate is difficult to determine， but what is certainly not slowing down is your intake3） of frozen French-bread pizzas. In fact， it is more than likely that one of those cheese-choked blubber4）-makers is circling inside your microwave at this very moment.

Making your hip-hop workout playlist right after the New Year seemed like a big step in the right direction. Of course， music can help only so much if you don’t own sneakers， which， technically， you didn’t until March.

While your recent efforts to increase the intensity of your workouts have been admirable， a look at the numbers indicates that your treadmill5） speeds have increased only from 3.8 miles per hour to 3.9 miles per hour. Not surprisingly， the impact on your body has been negligible. One might argue that it has worked to your detriment6）， given that your duration on the treadmill has plummeted7） by an average of fourteen minutes.

As you know， motivation can be elusive8）. There are unseen forces that oppose motivation and seek to douse9） the flames of inspiration. In your case， that force is napping. You really do nap a lot.

This far into any successful beach-body program， you should not still be wearing your fat jeans. By now， you should have already held those jeans up in front of you and proudly marvelled10） that you were ever that big. But you can’t hold them up and marvel at them， because they are on your body. Snugly11）.

If you were to stay true to your original beach-body timeline， you would begin some preliminary swimsuit shopping right around now. Owing to the significant delays you’re experiencing， we do not recommend standing in front of a three-way mirror at this point， unless you want all three of you to feel terrible about yourselves.

As the days pass and the temperatures rise， you may find yourself scrambling12） to recalibrate13） your goals. To lose just five pounds instead of twenty， say， or to unearth just one ab14） instead six. Sadly， when measured against the utopian physique you set out to achieve， these thoughts will quickly fade-drowned out， in all likelihood， by the crunch of a Cheeto15）.